I read in my quiet time shortly after that sunday the story of Jacob.  Talk about broken relationships.  First he steals his brother’s birthright and has to run away  (“Jacob flees to Laban”–the title of the passage), then he manipulates his landowner, Laban into a deal that would make Jacob more wealthy than Laban.  As he flees from Laban (literally the title is “Jacob flees from Laban”) about to encounter Esau he finds himself in quite a pickle.  In the night, God comes as a man and wrestles with Jacob until morning.  As if being in emotional battles with man was not enough! But Jacob fights for his blessing once again.

In the Bible, God often renames people.  Abram to Abraham, the change meaning Exalted Father to Father of Many and signifies that Abraham’s purpose was not just to be a father for the sake of his own family, but for God’s chosen people.  Simon to Peter: Peter meaning the “Rock” that God would build his foundation on.  Many times these name changes hold new purpose and indicate God’s ownership and involvement in those individual’s lives from then on.  Jacob however, changed to “Israel.”  Jacob: grasps the heel (of his brother), to Israel: Struggles with God.  Sounds like one tiresome name to another tiresome name.  But somehow God saw hope in the second name, as He meant for Jacob to overcome.

Jacob struggled his whole life but still fought.  I feel like that is me sometimes.  I felt the struggle in my relationships, and I got to the point of being tired of struggling with God.  Although this passage placated my extreme thoughts and made me “okay” with this concept, I became slightly numb in my relationships with others and in my pursuit of God for the next few weeks.

Although I’ve been very proactive in pursuing my friends, I felt a wall in those friendships.  I’m realizing that my wall in relationships was coming from my deep-down belief that my friends would not care for me the same way that I care about them, but I also believed that if I demanded that care from them that I wouldn’t be a good friends.  So I turned down the emotional faucets so I could still be a “good friend”, giving but not asking anything back.  However this results in me playing the role of therapist and not friend.

I’m still learning how to define myself.  Its a struggle to believe that God loves who I am, even if I doubt that people do.

“Ok Lord.  I know that my view of things is often terribly skewed.  I’m coming out of that low point, but what do you want me to learn from it?  The end result is I just want to love you and other more.  Please help me to let go of comments I hear that I use to define me negatively.  Please replace them with confidence in your truth, that my changed heart is of so much value to you.  Allow me to once again join in my friends’ rejoicing and mourning, and give me the boldness to bring who I am to them as well.  Amen.”

I have been reading Come Help Change the World by Bill Bright.  Although most of the book feels like a report of statistics, information, and results of the workings of Campus Crusade, I am nonetheless blown away by the work of the Holy Spirit in these pages.  What God has accomplished through Campus Crusade for Christ is immeasurable and incomparable.  I am not just saying this because I am biased toward Crusade (which I am),  but because few (if any) other religious organizations are as international, as effective, and as widespread as Crusade is.

Just so you don’t think I’m some brainwashed fanatic, let me share with you some of the mental checks I make when assessing this organization.  ”For if this plan or this undertaking is of man, it will fail.” Acts 5:38. Bill Bright had a vision to fulfill the Great Commission.  We know that the Lord wants it to be fulfilled, because He is the one who commissioned it.  This is the sole reason the Campus Crusade exists.  From this calling, Bill Bright was lead by the Lord to devise a plan, that if we reach the college students of the world today, we will reach the world tomorrow.  Campus Crusade is indeed reaching the world.  By 1998, they had ministry presence in 181 countries (99.2% of the world), and had translated the JESUS film  into 535 languages in 223 countries.  Over 3 billion people have been exposed to the gospel through Crusade alone!  ”For if this plan or this undertaking is of man…”.

Another mental check I have been unintentionally doing, is that I have been reading the book of Acts.  I will go from Bill Bright’s book to Acts, or vice versa, and I feel like I’m reading the same thing.  The full title of Acts is “Acts of the Holy Spirit,” and it has become evident to me that the Holy Spirit has the ability to act today as He did in New Testament times.  So.  Why do we not see the Spirit act like this now, where we are seeing miracles happen in whole countries, on our campuses, and in our personal lives?  Bill Bright saw this.  Is it just that God has not chosen to pour His Spirit out on our location for the time being?  Or are we too complacent, and not thirsty enough for revival?  Or are these tranformations happening in communities around us or our country and we are just unaware of them? I do not know.

The Lord has been challenging me with these things lately.  I feel that He is undeniably  and personally pursuing me to become a sheep that KNOWS my shepherd’s voice.  I believe that God can move in huge, huge ways, but I also know that I need the prompting of the Spirit to tell me how to be a part of it all.  Even seemingly good actions are just hasty ones without the Spirit prompting.  I don’t know what He wants for now, I would love to see God reach the current entire Asian American community at Cal Poly by the end of my time here.  I must believe that God’s heart for others to know Him is MUCH bigger than our hearts for others to know Him.  I have full faith that He can do it, but what is His plan for San Luis Obispo?  I want to pray for what His plan is for my small world right now, and  really seek Him.  Who’s with me?

At Winter Conference, a friend challenged me to take a half day with God and not bring a Bible.  I initially wanted to talk to him about where I should spend the next year of my life, and I ended up talking about where I was at with God.  I said I felt tired.  Sometimes, it feels like I am chasing after God for long periods of time and eventually I just get…tired.  My friend prayed for me and God gave him a picture of a rocket ship.  When the rocket ship launches and leaves the earth’s atmosphere, it coasts.  The parts of the rocket that helped it get there fall off.  Although the other parts of the rocket were necessary, it still was just extra weight that assisted the rocket through the hard work to blast off.

“Rest.”  This is what my friend urged me to do.   The rocket blasting off characterizes my walk so much of the time.  I feel like I work so hard to get to God with my intellect.  I hold on to my efforts because I’m used to it and prefer to only believe in things I can prove.  Although my intellect makes my faith genuine, it also inhibits me from believing God can do anything miraculous.  Thus spurred on my half day with God.  It was time to ask Him about the miraculous.

I was afraid that I would search for God and not find anything.  My friend assured me that sometimes that will happen.  I was like…oh ok…and then decided that on my way from Valencia to San Luis Obispo, I would stop by the beach somewhere and find some special spot where I would try to meet God.  I set aside 2-3 hours for this.  I got to Ventura and proceeded to drive around the coast for another hour, looking for the perfect place.

I came to this random street that had a random hill and found a random hiking trail.  I decided park my car and hike up the hill.  I didn’t like where my car was parked so I reparked it.  I then went up the trail and looked for a place that had a good place to sit.  When I found good sitting places, I didn’t like the view.  When I found a spot with a nice view, it was way too hot to sit there.  ”Am I even going to meet with God when I do this?  Even if I found the perfect place, do I have faith that I will find Him with my spirit?” I spend about 45 minutes of trying to find a place to sit and spend time with God.  ”What can I possibly learn from this?”

As I was traveling off the path and hiking up some mud, it hit me that I was working SO hard to just spend some time with God.    Wow.  All I wanted to do was spend time with God, and ended up spending ALL of my time trying to make things perfect.  This is my walk with God.  Maybe God was showing me once again that I do not know how to rest in Him.

What an adventure in my Toms!

I’ve been losing my sense of hope for some reason.  I was asking myself where God was.  I was flipping through the Bible trying to just read anything, and the last thing I read were these verses.  I found myself having a dialogue with God and also with myself in my head, asking how I felt about these verses.

For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ.

But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.

Not gonna lie, it’s been feeling pretty dark lately.  I know I’ve been learning to boast in my weakness, for when I am weak You are strong.  It would be such a huge privilege to know you are storing your glory in this beat up jar, but it doesn’t feel like it sometimes.  It’s almost too good to be true, and what should it feel like as a jar of clay that has this power in it?

We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.  We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body.  For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body.  So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.

Oh man, this does not feel true of me.  I feel hard pressed, but I feel crushed.  I am perplexed and in despair because of what I don’t understand.  I feel so fragile that if I were struck down, I would be destroyed.  Okay, I can acknowledge carrying around the death of Jesus, but I need the life of Jesus in order to sustain me.  If I only had the former and not the latter, then I would have no hope.  Where is this life that should be revealed?

I feel like a bad witness of the Lord.  Aren’t I supposed to be more stable when I have the life of Jesus?  Shouldn’t I be able to withstand all adversity?  It causes me to doubt that the Lord is there or with me sometimes.  I also wonder if I am just a weak-spirited person, weaker than others.  This makes me feel ashamed.  But putting things in perspective, here is the pro of fighting this battle constantly in my life to not be crushed, in despair, abandoned, or destroyed: There is never a dull moment in my life.  I can never fell comfortable in my spiritual life because I ALWAYS feel like I’m fighting for this joy and hope.  I may be more sensitive than others, but at least it causes me to pursue the Lord on a constant basis.  Or, maybe I’m not more sensitive, but I just see reality more clearly.

It is written: “I believed; therefore I have spoken.”  With that same spirit of faith we also believe and therefore speak, because we know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you in his presence.  All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God.

A spirit of faith…something I lack.  This is what I need to believe, that, through faith, I can confidently say that through my trials God will always be raising us just as he has raised Christ from the dead.  Paul is awesome.  I wish I could have that perspective that these things would lead me to giving thanks and that it is for my benefit.  That would be nice, but I am too selfish to see things through that lens sometimes.

Therefore we do not lose heart.  Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen.  For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

You know, even if I didn’t believe these verses before I read them or even while I read them, just reading them gives me more strength.  Paul’s words encourage me, because it reminds me that this is how it should be.  Being reminded of these things allows the Holy Spirit to do a work in me.  I may not have been turning to God in faith, but deep down I know His Word is the only place I can turn to.  That is why I was so hungry for the scripture last night, even throughout my lack of faith.

Then a wave hit me when I read verse 18.  All my doubts never get me anywhere.  How difficult it is to believe and not see!  But I am not alone in thinking this, or Paul wouldn’t have written it.

Okay God, I won’t lose heart.  May your eternal glory outweigh everything else in this world.

My experience may be just a little different.  This Christmas eve, my magical night is spent in the Encore hotel and casino overlooking the Wynn in the spirited town of Las Vegas.  That’s right, I’m spending Christmas in Vegas with my parents!

I like to tell people about these plans because everyone will think that I am so cool for being in Vegas for Christmas with my party-animal parents.  I’m like “Yeah, I know right?  So Awesome!”, but on the inside I’m thinking “what on EARTH am I going to do with my PARENTS in VEGAS for 4 DAYS…?”  Today, the journey began…

My parents apparently had some great deal to spend 3 nights in the Encore.  The problem is that my mom had to work on New Year’s eve, so my parents came up with the efficient plan of having me and my dad drive together to Vegas and having my mom fly in and meet us after work.  My mom would arrive in Vegas at 9:30 and my father and I would arrive at 11 am to get our room at the hotel.  Wait…11 am?  Daddy wants to leave at 6 or 7 in the morning to “get an upgrade” on our room somehow.  First thought: omg so early.  Second thought: what are Daddy and I going to do in Vegas together for 10 HOURS?  Well, luckily, we left at 7:45 so I could in sleep SO much longer.  Then we headed out on our trek.  Actually, first we locked the doors, then double checked them, then forgot something in the house, opened the door, then locked the door, then double checked it, then Mommy needed us to grab something for her…etc.  Then we were on our way!

Four and a half hour car ride, 9 hours hanging out in Vegas.  Dad and daughter time.  We stopped by Starbucks on the way together, talked about evolution and music and God together, checked into our hotel together, gambled together, ate dinner at KFC together (they ran out of chicken…what?), drove by pictures of half-naked women (and men) everywhere together, picked up Mommy from the airport together.  In the hotel room, my dad set up his electronic chess set and I took a 2 hour nap.  My dad’s been playing chess on that thing nonstop for the last few days since he played some random guy in a mall food court.  After dinner, my dad pretty much forced me gamble and I lost $10.  I warned him that I wasn’t very lucky.

Airport, round 2.  We get to the parking lot pretty smoothly .  On the way to my mom’s gate, my dad stops 3 different employees to ask them where we should be going.  My mom’s flight comes early, and she comes walking in linking arms and chatting it up with some random Korean woman that she made a friends with on the plane somehow.  My mom was wearing white shoes that are made without shoelaces, and the Korean woman had asked my mom if she broke her leg.  I guess her shoes looked like two casts.  We offered her a ride to the MGM but she insisted on taking a taxi.  That was that.

Now, it is 11:00 at night, and I’m blogging in my hotel room while my parents “walk around,” a.k.a. use the slot machines.  Let’s pray that we have enough money for gas on the way home.

Disclaimer: My parents are not addicted gamblers or anything.  And, as my dad would put it, I might as well “kill two pterodactyls with one lava rock” and tell you that the talk with my dad on the way over was good!  He had been pondering the church message we heard last sunday.  The thing he doesn’t quite grasp the concept that Christ paid for our sins, and to tell you the truth, it’s something I always need to examine more and understand as well.  Praying .

Part of me believes that Jesus leaves us here on this planet longer after we have received Him in order to share him with others.  If his only concern was for me to be with Him, then He could have taken me up right when I believed in Him and was saved.  So what am I supposed to do with the remainder of the time that I know Him, but do not yet get to experience Him in the fullness of His glory?  Living for and experiencing his glory should start now.  He wants us to experience His glory by deepening our walks with Him, (2 Pet 3:8),  but that’s not all.  Peter urges us to “grow in the grace and the knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ,” but that does not mean to live a life of Christian self-indulgence and ever-increasing knowledge that affects only ourselves and no one else.   In fact, if we want to “grow in the…knowledge of our Lord,” then we should know how and why Jesus lived on this earth.  Jesus said that the reason he came was “to seek and save what was lost.” (Luke 19:10).   In addition, Paul says that he wants to experience the fellowship of sharing in Christ’s sufferings.  To truly know Christ is to live like him. We too must seek and save the lost.  I think he leaves us here longer to share Him with others.  It should also be said that a major way we grow in our faith and bring glory to God is by living missionally.  You will be more challenged than you ever thought possible and know Him in ways you could would not have when you start serving Him BY serving others.

What does it look like to be a missionary?  Webster’s dictionary defines a missionary as one who is sent on a mission.  One who IS SENT.   We are all sent ones.  I believe that if we had a true understanding of the Lord’s heart, we would understand that every soul that leaves this earth without knowing Jesus as his Savior is a complete and utter tragedy.  Does it burden your heart to know that people worldwide do not know the amazing grace given by our Lord?  Even more personal, does it burden you to know that some of your friends and family do not know the Lord?  Do you realize that every day we may be overlooking tons of opportunities to save someone’s spiritual life?  Ask God how you should respond to these questions!

I should clarify that being a missionary does NOT mean that we must physically relocate ourselves, but it does mean that we should be seeking the lost with our lives.  There are 5 ways to be a missionary.   (Borrowed from Todd Ahrend.)

1. Going.

2. Praying.

3. Sending.

4. Welcoming.

5.Mobilizing.

The Goer is the one we usually associate with missions.  These are the ones who physically go somewhere to serve.  ”Going somewhere” might mean going exactly where you are to serve and tell people the gospel.  The Prayers are critical in having a heart to pray for the world and for the lost.  The Sender is one who may stay in the home church but work to send others all over the world.  One may send by supporting financially.  The Welcomer is the one in the place who accepts and greets the incoming Goer.  The Mobilizer is one who tells people that they need to perform any number of these 5 actions.  The mobilizer rallies people up.

Let’s give an example.  I was at a conference in Korea called Campus Mission ’07.  The conference had 20,000 people from all over the world who knew the Lord.  We worshipped together, ate together, and prayed together for the rest of the world.  It was an amazing experience.  Here I met an African man had grown up in Africa, was saved, and then began doing full-time missions there.  We had such an inspiring conversation with him, to seeing his heart for the lost and knowing that people are serving God all over the world.  He said that there is always more help needed in Africa.  He was a Welcomer, asking us to be Goers.  The conference we were at was a Mobilizer.  I did not feel that the Lord was calling me to go to Africa, so I wanted to be a Prayer and a Sender.  I have actively supported friends who have been to Africa, as well as World Vision projects like Impact 1.

There is, however, a huge need for Goers.  There are almost 1 billion people in the Muslim world, and they are unreached.  one sixth of the world is Muslim, yet there is on average only ONE missionary for every 1 million people there.  In Laos, 2% of the people are Christian.  Christians there are killed for their faith.  I met 2 girls from Laos at the Conference in Korea who were risking their very lives in order to worship with us.  Crazy!  In China there are over 1 billion people and most people have never heard the gospel.  When asked what they believe in, they will respond with “I believe in myself” or “the government.”  However, the gospel is spreading quickly!  The people are hungry to know Christ.  In California, within the past year and a half two Asian American students from Cal Poly SLO have taken their own lives because they had nothing else to live for.  Do this things compel you?  As Holly Sheldon says, it is not okay to not be sent.   The cost is far too high to not be sent.

The fact of the matter is that every minute, 100 people die worldwide.  One to two people per second enter eternity.  How many of them leave this life knowing Christ?  Well, you’ll never know unless you start asking them before it’s too late!  Be sent.  It just makes sense!

A few years ago, when I entered college, God put this crazy burden on my heart for my parents.  My interactions with them had been rough throughout high school, so college was a way to escape.  (There really is much pain and tears and frustration packed into that one sentence. Oh boy.)  On and off, the Lord seems to put it on my heart to pray for them, and now it’s not because I “should.”  I felt obligated to pray for them up until my third year of college when God changed my heart.  Right before I came home for Thanksgiving break, they were put on my heart again.

Over the past few years, the spiritual conversations with my father have grown more frequent.  Sometimes I come home and he tells me that he does not believe Christ died for sins, and other times I come home and he’s read every Christian book I ever gave him.  My parents only go to church when I come home and invite them, and even then my dad might not be in the mood.  From this short trip, I have already heard two AMAZING things.

1. My dad has been reading Paradise Lost and thinking about heaven and hell.  I can just tell that spiritual things are becoming more of a reality to him!  He’s been reading books a lot lately.  He’s always taken spiritual matters seriously, but I have been hearing him use phrases like  ”from the Creator” and “having grace on me” and “I said a prayer of gratitude…”.  Not only that, but he told me that he and my mother went to church ON THEIR OWN a few weeks ago and heard a message about Martin Luther and the Catholic church.  It was something my dad was very interested in.

2.  My mom told me a story of her friend who is going through a hard time in life.  Her friend had been in a car accident and had been having romantic problems.  In telling me this story, she nonchalantly said that she told her friend to try going to a church.  Well, my mom said that her friend took the advice, went to a church, has gotten plugged into a Bible study, and is doing much better!  My mom… MY MOM… directed someone towards the Lord!!!  Praise Jesus!

These things might seem small to some, but they mean the world to me.  I am still praying for my family to be turned upside-down by the love of Christ.  Trust me, we need His love so badly!

I often experience this irony.  I have so much passion for evangelism and for others to know the Lord fully, but I often feel that everything is “a chasing after the wind.”  Read Ecclesiastes.

However, the apostle Paul tells us to run in such a way to win the prize.  In 1 Corinthians, Paul explains life as ferocious fight to the finish.  Sprinters train and train so that when they compete, they will reach the finish line first.  Two things confuse me about this though: Christians aren’t trying to be ‘better’ than other Christians, and if the prize/crown we receive is God and eternity, then don’t we already have that?  I still believe that when Paul talks about the crown he is talking about victory.  Although we already have victory in Christ the moment we receive Him as our Lord and Savior, we are still asked to run a race as if we have everything to lose if we fail. This is faith.  If our goal was to receive salvation, then we have made Christianity about us.  However, if our goal is Christ, MORE Christ, then we have every reason to sprint, if we indeed are madly in love with Him.   When a child has been separated from his mother for a time, he may run to her when he firsts sees her again.  This is especially true if the child comes from a place that was dark and frightening.  Why does he run?  Won’t he get to her either way?  It seems that the method of getting to his mother does not make a difference in whether he gets there or not, but his running does seem to imply a love and longing for the one who will keep in safe in her arms.

I know there are times when life seems hopeless, when this race seems aimless.  I have often felt that this world was meaningless.  I have been so weighed down by hurt and heartache that it leaves me immobilized. I have also felt depressed because of the many evils in the world.  It feels like this race is so meaningless sometimes.  Truly, the thing that keeps me going is hope in Christ.  It’s not easy because it still feels like I’m hanging by a thread sometimes, but it’s my only hope.  We all must hope in something.  If we do not believe in God, we must believe that either there is no God, or that there is some imperfect, evil, or incompetent God.  Either of the latter two options would make this life not worth living.  I want to reassure you that I am not entertaining thoughts of losing my life, but I do know that some do.  Many feel depressed.  But when depression is coupled with hopelessness then we are in trouble.  We need hope.

This is how God showed his love for us.  Christ wrote love on his arms when he allowed the nails to be driven through them.  He wrote love on his arms so you would not have to express self-hate on yours. Therefore protect your life, because Christ gave his for yours!

“Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it.  But one thing I do: forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” Phil 3:13, 14

I just liked these pictures.

http://www.twloha.com/

I wasn’t always like this.  I didn’t think I had feelings when I was in high school and in the beginning years of college.  I knew there were things that I should cry at, but I just didn’t feel it.  I didn’t cry for 9/11, I didn’t cry when I heard of people who died, I didn’t cry when people had problems.  I was very confused about feelings up until my sophomore year of college.  I didn’t know when I was happy, when I really enjoyed something, when I liked someone, or when I was bothered.  So bizarre!  I blame 2 things. 1.) my “thinker” side and 2.) the media.  (haha it’s always the media nowadays).  I would be analyzing my feelings to the point that the only thing that could define my feelings was my brain, but I couldn’t tell if I actually FELT those things.  I would try to figure it out so much that my thoughts took over and I couldn’t tell anymore.  As for the media, well, I am really good at imitating things.  I am an observer.  I have lived most of my life trying to turn myself into the things I saw around me; the good Christians, the good “feelers.” I have watched people in movies and on TV lose loved ones, go through break-ups and experience feelings.  That is the actor’s job; to convey the ways people really experience things.  However, actors do this in a glorified way.  Is it possible to convey an emotion TOO perfectly to the point where it’s not real?  I don’t know.  But I did live my emotional life in a way where I was constantly figuring out how I was SUPPOSED to feel about things, and that if I didn’t feel it, then I was doing something wrong.

So how did all of this change for me?  I’m not sure.  Maybe I began to invest more in people to the point where it would hurt me easily.  Maybe I just got older and understood the world and it’s corruption and its beauty better.  I think a big thing was praying.  Praying for God to give me a heart like His.  I didn’t know how to feel, and I knew that trying to feel what others felt just wasn’t real.  So I asked God for his feelings.  I knew his feelings were real and right.  Now, I can’t even believe the things that I FEEL.  I used to feel nothing when I thought about God.  This always confused me because I thought that if God was supernatural, then I should be really emotional about Him all the time.  I expected miraculous breakdowns and overwhelming senses of joy and burden over sins.  The lack of these things caused me to doubt God’s existence my sophomore year.  Let me say right now that following God is not about feelings.  Instead, it is a train of Fact, Faith, and then Feeling.  Behold.

Feeling is there, and it is an indicator, but Feelings should not be the goal.  For me, feelings were the goal.  They were trying to be a proof of God’s existence and a proof that I was a real person.  But God was patient and good to me.  I took a long unexpected journey, but God emptied me of myself to the point where I could naturally feel the things I felt, and I know that it is not forced.  His journey is different for each of us.  In fact, part of my journey was even feeling depressed for a period of time, but that is a story for a different time.

Feelings are not the goal, but I would now like to make an argument for why being a feeler is better than…not feeling.  I know there are many of us out there (especially the men–no offense) who don’t think that they “feel,”  but I’d challenge us to ask God how we should feel, and how we should think.  I am not the judge of how people should react to things because I know we are all different.  All I have is my own experience, and for me, it is SO MUCH BETTER to feel.  Even if I look like a dork.  For simplicity, I am going to correlate being a “feeler” with being a “crier.”

1.) Even though it’s embarrassing to cry, I love it!  Crying releases endorphins, so you actually feel better afterward.

2.) Crying is used to communicate with others, just as our other emotions communicate with others.  The Lord does not want us to be alone.  In fact, He wants us to walk in the light.  In Him there is no darkness at all.  When something is bothering us, our feelings help us tell others we need help.  I think God designed it this way so that we can love each other better.

3.) Crying with others who are crying makes them feel better.  I want my actions to be driven by love.  If crying with a brother or sister who is crying makes them feel more loved, then let it rain!

4.) Crying tells me I’m a real person.  I didn’t think I had feelings for the majority of my life.  I feel so much more ALIVE when I feel!  I love that I can look outside and be moved by the beauty of nature.  I love that I can praise God in worship and feel lifted and in awe of Him.  I love that I can be emo.

5.) God is pleased when my heart is moved by things that His heart breaks for.  I wants His children to be like Him, to share in His sufferings (Phil 3), and to take action to help others.

6.)  We can perform loving actions out of obedience to God, but it is so sweet when we can do those actions while actually feeling the love!  It is very rewarding.  I think that God wants our hearts to line up with our actions.  Jesus had compassion on the people, and it lead him to heal them and feel them.  (the feeding of the 4 thousand and the 5 thousand.)  We will not always feel it, and I know God calls us to be obedient anyway, but hopefully the more we know God, the more we will find joy in loving others and loving Him.

7.)  It’s Biblical.  Ezekiel 36:26 “I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.”  Thank you Lord!  We are not dead, inanimate objects.  We have a real, beating, feeling heart.  I want to milk it for all it’s worth!

8.)  WWJD.  ”Jesus wept.”  John 11:35.

A few warnings though:

-Do not use your feelings to harm others, or to make people feel guilty. If you are letting your feelings run wild so that others can feel bad or pity on you, I would say this is not what God intended.

-Once again, do not make feelings the end goal.  We sometimes wait for this huge sign from God, where we start speaking in tongues and crying and levitating.  This is what happened to Elijah:  ”Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave.”

-Just because you don’t “feel” it, does not mean that you should not obey.   However, the other extreme is there being no feeling and only actions.  We will constantly battle this balance  Ask God for how to feel, and the strength to obey, and repent later when you realize that you did not do something the way you should have.  Make sure not to abuse the grace God gave you either!

Let me just challenge those of you who don’t think you are feelers: ask God what it means to have a heart of flesh.  You may very well be fine just the way you are, but I know God gave us feelings for a reason and it’s up to you and God.  For those that are feelers let me challenge you to ask God what it means to worship Him in spirit AND in TRUTH.  Ask God if you rely on feelings too much to the point where it dictates your moods and your obedience.

Good luck!

Solomon knew.

The main point from that verse I’ll touch on (before I digress) is that many of us may look “fine” but not feel “fine.”  This verse just resonated with me.  Emotions are to be indicators for ourselves and for others.  It is a form of communication, even more powerful than words.  If you are anything like me, it’s easier to know when to sympathize with someone when they look like crap than when they seem perky and joyful.  If someone is smiley and happy, I can almost forget that they are going through a difficult time.  Maybe it’s for this reason that I wear my heart on my sleeve.  It’s less confusing.  However, those who are not very good at empathy may find themselves becoming impatient with someone who shows much emotion.  All that person is is a bundle ofIt also seems that when people try to express that they are not fine when they LOOK fine, no one believes them.  The sorrowful person can never win unless they are with a good, sensitive empathizer.  Hence, we should all look for the heart that is behind the smile, and always ready to extend an arm.  I would rather someone assume that I’m horrible when I’m good, than someone assume that I’m fine when I’m not.

The heart is an odd thing.  That it can feel so many different things at one time. Sometimes we don’t even know what we feel.  I often think of the connection between the heart and the mind as being like the matching section of the test.  The “heart” represents the feeling itself, and the “mind” is what analyzes and labels the feeling. For example, if I have an unsettled feeling and do not know why, I try thinking of reasons why it might be so.  Maybe I am anxious because of school, maybe I’m worried about a friendship, or maybe my actions lately have not been lining up with my moral standard.  The mind’s job is to figure out why the feeling is there.  Some people ignore the feelings altogether.  Some people do not even realize that the feelings are there.   But this is what Solomon says:

“The purposes of a man’s heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out.” Proverbs 20:5

We were made to try to understand our hearts!  This is what I’ve always wanted; for people to question their motives, their purposes, their world views, and their feelings in order to reach truth and understanding.  How can one ever hope to be wise or to understand others when he does not understand himself?

In our analogy of the heart being like a test, you won’t really know it well unless you study it!  The more we start understanding how our emotions are related to our circumstances and our actions, the better we can 1. connect with God on a more personal level, 2. connect with others on a more personal level, and 3. resolve conflict.  I say the last one because so much of the conflict we experience in our relationships come from acting hastily on our emotions, or not understanding the emotions of others.

What’s also weird is that the same gut feeling can be applied to many different definitions.  Feeling scared/anxious and getting the butterflies for that special someone oddly feel like the same thing.  C.S. Lewis said himself in the Weight of Glory that the feeling of being sick of something and the feeling of being overwhelmed by excitement of something will yield the same physical experience.  This paragraph was purely philosophical.  No other purpose.  Just think about it.  :)

It’s okay to not understand yourself sometimes.  It’s a learning process!  But the main thing I would urge us all in would be to show grace to one another, and to carry each other’s burdens.  Let’s not assume how our brothers and sisters are doing, let’s ask.  And let’s respond honestly, not afraid of what others will think.